Togetherness

I’ve never had my own office. I did once, however, have a desk situated all by itself out on the bustling floor of a MACY’s warehouse thanks to a demented boss. But mostly I have worked in shared environments. Yes, most of my work life has been spent in the ubiquitous cubical “office”.

This open plan is meant (I think) to harbor equality and team spirit and to promote creativity and collaboration. I guess I can admit to that being sometimes the case. At its best anyway. But what it also seems to do, or at least for some of us, is to foster murderous and sadistic thoughts about at least a few of our co-workers. You know the ones.

The Loud Mouth
Everything she has to say is to interesting that she is absolutely 100% positive that everyone in the office wants to hear it. Even if it’s just rehashing last night’s really bad TV program. Or scheduled workout regimen. Anytime she joins the conversation the volume increases about 10-fold because anyone talking with her has to be just as loud to be heard over her. When she really gets going you can’t help but imagine quietly covering her face with a pillow until it all stops.

The Giggler
Typically there are more than one of these. And their laughs all sound slightly different—a girlish giggle (common among more males than you’d care to know), a buffoonish chortle which screams stupidity and is a fake or forced laugh half the time anyway (“No, really! My sense of humor is great! Look everyone, I get it!”), and the incessant chuckler (this is the guy who is pretty much always doing something other than work and seems to want to advertise the fact by his constant mirth. Trust me, the thoughts that occur when the laughter is rampant are not funny at all.

The Very Important Conference Caller
He’s always on the phone, that goes without saying. But what you may be surprised by is the fact that he can’t just pick up the handset like a normal person. He needs to put every call on speakerphone. Which consequently means that he needs to shout at the phone because of course the person on the other end can’t hear or understand him unless he does. Cram his handset right down his craw and end the call.

Miss Ringtone
There is a very special ring of hell for her. Where she must sit and listen to very insipid ringtones for all eternity. Oh sure, it’s funny or cute the first time isn’t it. But let’s see what she is saying when it goes on and on and on forever. If she’d only enabled the vibrate-only feature, she’d probably be supping mai tais in heaven.

The Mellow Listener
No one incites as much animosity as this co-worker. Which is ironic since she thinks she’s adding such a nice, pleasant, soothing touch to the office. The Mellow Listener likes to play the smoothest jazz at barely audible levels. She can’t use headphones because then she wouldn’t be able to impose her really crap musical taste on everyone else. And she’s certain that everyone benefits from the soft strains of schmaltz. Thinking of strangling her with the cord from the headphones that you’re forced to wear just to escape her tedious tunes strikes just the right chord.

But, it's Friday ... so at least I can go home to my apartment ... which is, essentially just a slightly bigger cube, isn't it.