Love at First Sight

I know of two married couples who met via online dating. They’re both happily married, with offspring. But I have to say I have never had luck with that medium. Maybe I am too picky, but it seems to me that all of the guys fall into one of these not-too-flattering categories.

Guys in Spandex
They love their bicycles so much and they think they look good in tights. I probably don’t have to say this to most of the men I know, but just in case -- Note: Almost no one does. If you're not a world-famous dancer, give it a pass.

Guys in Cars
Hey look! Here’s me sitting in my car. Don’t you love me?

Note: There are two sub-types to this category:
A) You can’t see much of my car, but trust me it’s the awesomest.
B) You can’t see me, but you can see just how truly awesome my car is, and that’s enough, isn’t it?

Glaring Guys
If I look like I might be a sadistic serial killer on the lam, all the girls will want me.

Oblivious Guys
What? Really? I look unattractive in this photo where I am slumped over on the sofa with greasy hair and six chins? Really?

Self-Shot Guys
I am a complete hermit and social misfit. I have exactly 1 friend and he has no hands or feet and therefore cannot take a photo of me. If he had hands and feet, furthermore, he would probably not be my friend. But never mind that. I also don’t know how to work a camera timer or possibly don't even realize that cameras have them. So I took eighteen photos of myself with my arm extended in various spots around my place. I tried to crop out my extended arm though, so you can’t tell. Oh wait? You can? Really?

Over-Served Guys
Check me out in this photo that was taken 10 minutes before I totally blew chunks. I was soooo wasted! Cos I can totally party. I am that much fun. And loud. Your coworkers are going to LOVE me at the holiday party. Let's go out!

The "What Ex?" Guys
Take a look at all the photos of me where I am oh-so happy. They're a little off-center and oddly misshapen. Because, um, they were taken by my nephew and he's not so good with a camera. No... No of course that one of me in the tux isn't my wedding photo with my ex-wife cut out of it. How could you think that?

Period Guys
I might be caught in an era. But you can't be sure because my photos are all from that era. Maybe now I dress in more current styles. Maybe I don't. Regardless of that, without a doubt I am a good few pounds heavier and have a hell of a lot less hair. But damn! Look how good I looked in that blurry photo circa 1989-1991!

World Traveler Guys
Here's a shot of me in front of the pyramids. I'm that little speck to the left. No, not that speck, next to that speck. And here's another one that was taken when I was on safari. It's a little blurry because the jeep was going pretty fast because we were being chased by a pride of lions. I'm not actually in this photo. But I took it. When I was in Costa Rica. That's how cool I am. I've been outside the US. So I must be a total catch right?

Sweaty Guys
Hey look at me after I just ran a marathon/did a triathlon/mowed the lawn. You're helplessly attracted to me because I am active. And you can tell I am active because I posted this photo in which I am beet-red, sweaty and completely unattractive.

Professional Photo Guys
I had these head shots taken so that I could be guaranteed to show my best side. Sure it looks cheesy with my chin on my hand, but at least you can’t tell that I have no friends. Note: These guys all mostly live in Southern California.